My mind works in a weird way – I often times don’t feel things until I’m a week or two removed from the original happening. Things feel completely normal right now, even though Life and hyped-up-societal-occurrences tell me that I should be feeling completely different. Graduating school felt like one of those things that was always so far off in the distance, but now that it’s already passed, it didn’t feel like anything changed. I’m about to go through a lot of change, but I’ve also got a couple days left to spend with some of my favorite people and so far, Real Life is off to a nice start.
I shined my boots and have an all-black-everything square within a square on my cap. I move to New York in 4 days. Life is CraZzy
The past few weeks have been all over the place for me… I accepted a job in New York last Monday and I will be moving there 2 weeks from next Tuesday. While my peers have been stressing about finishing their finals and beginning the job hunt, I’ve been feeling almost completely removed from all of that. I’m fortunate to not have to worry about employment. I’ve also done a good job of setting myself up for success and not leaving all of my work to the last minute. I actually received my final thesis book yesterday, and I’m proud of it, but the feeling of success and achievement just can’t hold a candle to what I’ve really been feeling.
I guess you could say there is a bit of numbness involved in leaving all that’s familiar. I haven’t slept well in days; the imminent change feels so looming, and to be honest, the excitement is being pushed to the side with feelings of anxiety and a realization of the lack of permanence.
I don’t have many friends. I’m rarely ever invited to hang out with people at social gatherings, I only see my friends doing these things without me through various forms of social media. Everybody at the bar smiling together, while I’m at home watching a movie, completely unaware until then that anything was happening. I took myself out to dinner and the movie theatre alone twice this week, and each time I got looks from people that were almost like “what are you doing here?” and “why aren’t you with anyone?” I guess you could say I’m a loner or a recluse. It’s not that I’ve really forced myself into this situation – I am completely extroverted and can easily make friends and conversation with virtually anybody. Which is why it hurts so much when I don’t understand why those I associate with don’t have an interest in doing anything besides seeing me at school once in awhile.
And it’s weird because all of these people once meant something to me, some of them more than others. But now with my time winding down, and me vocalizing that to those I care about, I’m still just as unimportant to others around me. People don’t hang out with me unless I completely beg them to do so; if I want to see someone I have to work to make it happen. I am never the go-to.
But I think what hurts and scares me the most is not the possibility that I may never see a lot of these people again in my lifetime, but that they don’t really have any interest in seeing me before my time in this state is up.